It seems like I was taught to build a foundation made of glass and as soon as stones from life begin to hit, even the smallest rocks make me feel like my house is going to shatter. Why is this? Why was I taught from a young age to overlook practices that create a solid, sturdy foundation for life?
Throughout school I was forced to memorize information in exchange for a good grade, but I didn’t learn how to retain information. I learned how to complete A to B tasks in a well organized fashion to understand how “careers” work, yet the two things that define the capabilities of the human brain, imagination and creativity, were pushed to the side and stigmatized for being silly and unimportant. Rather than being taught how to find my own unique perspective, I was subconsciously coached to compare myself to others. Learning, the most important aspect of life, was coated with boredom and a lack of passion. I was even punished for not being able to learn the same way as my peers or for not learning as fast as them.
I wasn’t told that I can create my own future, my own happiness, and my own love. I was told that it had been created for me and was waiting with open arms, just as long as I followed the path that’s been laid out by previous generations.
Well, somewhere in the chase for external satisfaction I found out that all of the treasures I feel the need to accumulate have an extremely short lifespan when it comes to providing true joy and happiness. Validation, sure. The material accolades are great at validating insecurities and providing temporary gratification, mainly because the definition of success in our culture is predicated on shiny trophies and pretty faces. But those insecurities will show back up at my doorstep eventually and the endless loop of validation continues. So what am I actually chasing then? Something that will make me feel whole and complete?
So how do I go about laying a solid foundation when I’ve only been taught to build from the second floor up? It all comes down to my habits. Habits are choices, and my choices are the process to my life. My habits exist in two dimensions, thought and action, aka my mind and body. My thoughts should technically come before each action but I get so locked in my daily routines that my body goes on autopilot and allows my mind to wander away from the present moment. This cycle of breaking down old habits and starting new habits is extremely challenging. It’s like shedding my old skin. My brain wants to spend as little energy as possible, so it will do everything in its power to choose the path of least resistance, i.e. the systems it is familiar with. So paradoxically, I have to resist against the path of least resistance. I must force myself to take steps that push me a little further into the unknown each time. This process of unlearning and learning is what gets me to the point of being able to utilize my freedom of choice. Breaking down the boundaries of my identity is the last thing my ego wants to do because it’s entire life’s work has been spent re-affirming the constructs society has implanted through the lens of conditional love. But once I realized that who I was yesterday is not who I have to be today, and who I am today is not who I have to be tomorrow, I knew I could start to change my habits at any given moment.
Here is where I used to trick myself though, I did not look at the long-term perspective. I wanted the most results in the shortest amount of time. In order to get past this I had to think about sustainability and the first step to creating sustainable habits came from understanding my values. And like everything, values have a surface level, as well as a deeper fundamental layer that allowed me to tap into a long-term vision.
Why am I making these choices every day, or why do I want to make new choices every day? What is the underlying reason behind my actions? ‘Why’ is the question that always takes me to the deepest starting point. Why did I want to start exercising more? I was insecure about my looks and thought it would give me more confidence in my appearance. And sure, that was a nice side effect. But once I went deeper and said, “I want to create a healthier version of myself and stay healthy for the rest of my life,” I gained a sense of clarity that wasn’t there before.
Why did I want to start meditating? I was an anxious person, very stressed, and wanted to be more calm inside my head. Again, another amazing side effect and a perfect reason to start meditating. But then I said, “I want to understand myself as thoroughly as possible,” and I have reached a level of deep understanding that I did not think was possible for someone like myself.
When I take this approach I can see the ideal outcome, analyze the process in reverse, then remove my attachment from that ideal outcome and only focus on the process. Process is the bridge to results, so becoming the master of my process will build a walkway to the results I wish to achieve. But if I attach myself to a specific outcome and do everything in my power to control the perfect future I’ve envisioned, I will cheat myself in my process.
Like impatience, my expectations tend to distort a realistic point of view when it comes to starting new habits. The moment I think about a habit I’d like to test out I jump to the ideal outcome, which is essentially the point where I’ve become a master of that process. How unrealistic is that? I fail to even try because the weight of expectations is too much to bare. Or, I start the habit by forcing myself to put forth the maximum effort right away, then a few weeks later I’m back to square one wondering why I can’t muster up the strength to be the master that I expect myself to be.
So what is the key that opens the door to new realities I wish to create? Starting small. Like, REALLY small. Think of the lowest expectations around a specific habit, then go one step lower. I wanted to become someone who reads consistently, so I picked up a book every night and opened it. That’s it. Maybe I read one word, one line, one paragraph, one page, or five pages, it didn’t matter. The goal was to familiarize my mind and body with the dimensions of this new habit, in this case thinking about reading, and picking up a book to actually read.
When I wanted to start meditating, I began by doing a three minute guided meditation once a day with a goal of going up to five minutes after three months. Then after two months of that I’d go up to seven minutes, and so on until I was doing 30 minute meditations by the end of 2019 without any assistance. After 8 months I’ve already reached my goal of 30 minute meditations without any guidance needed. By setting the bar of expectations so low I still felt a sense of accomplishment for completing what I set out to do each day.
I use this same approach for breaking down habits I want to get rid of. Each time I don’t make a choice that my ego wants me to make in order to reinforce my past identity, that is a step forward. That is a victory. As long as I set out for consistent growth, starting with a minimum amount of effort does not keep away my innate instinct to do more. And once I learned that doing less is a practical method to get the momentum moving, I naturally progressed. We are made to evolve.
The most important area of my habits is undeniably the way I communicate in my own head. When it comes to manners, I was taught I be nice to those around me. If someone does something nice for me I should thank them. “Respect your elders. Don’t be mean to other people.” This is obviously how I should treat my fellow human beings. Of course I want to be nice and respectful. But what about being nice and respectful towards myself? If I have not built a sense of respect and gratitude internally then what am I projecting outward? A beam of appreciation that isn’t authentic? I can only meet my external world to the level that I’ve met my internal world. If I do not thank myself every day or make time to practice self-respect, I am not being grateful for the most important person in my life. If I go through the motions spewing hateful and judgmental things and base my self-worth on my productivity or performance, I am overlooking the one habit that will bring me almost everything I’ve ever wanted, self-love. And how do I create self-love? Just like every other habit. Through repetition and reminder. Reminders to my ego that I am not basing my worthiness off of my mistakes or my failures. This voice that yells at me over trivial things, that constantly brings up my past and prepares me for a fearful future, this voice needs to be reminded that I am worthy of loving myself because I am human and I exist. The conditions I’ve been forced to believe are just an illusion.
This is not a race. When I ease slowly into new systems through consistent repetition I am laying down a path to my future brick by brick. Some days I might forget to lay a brick. Some days I might lay two or three bricks. Or maybe my ego gets the best of me and brings me back to my past choices for a week… or two. That’s okay. As long as I get up every morning prepared to do my best, my best gets better and the shell of my old identity begins to crack and crumble.
When all is said and done, I don’t want to be a slave to my habits. If I become rigid with my routines and flip the autopilot switch I am not consciously choosing my actions. I want to know what choices set me up for success but I also want to be able to make the best choice suited for any specific moment. The universe’s schedule does not always align perfectly with mine so I must be prepared to adapt and accommodate.
Russel Brand says that “discipline is faith in action.” Faith that the choices we make today set us up to be more successful tomorrow. Faith that the little choices will compound over time. Faith that these choices will make a positive impact on ourselves and the world around us. The Man in Black from Westworld asks, “what is a human but a collection of choices?” So I ask you, can we be disciplined in the collection of choices we choose to embody, and have faith that we are creating a better future for ourselves and the generations to come?
Aubrey Marcus wrote a whole book about daily habits and has a podcast that is my go to. He also put an overview of each chapter of his book in video format on YouTube for free. There is an episode of the Kyle Kingsbury podcast with author, James Clear, which helped me tremendously. And then there’s this guy Dr. Joe Dispenza who I just recently found out about. One of his books is called ‘Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself,’ and his entire mission in life is to teach people how to create the future they want by shedding their old identity. If you want to go deeper on this subject you can find all of these links below.
Aubrey Marcus – Own The Day, Own Your Life (Amazon)
Aubrey Marcus – Own The Day, Own Your Life (Free Video Series)
Aubrey Marcus Podcast (YouTube)
Aubrey Marcus Podcast (Apple Podcasts)
Kyle Kingsbury Podcast w/ James Clear (YouTube)
Kyle Kingsbury Podcast w/ James Clear (Apple Podcasts)
Dr. Joe Dispenza on Aubrey Marcus Podcast (YouTube)
Dr. Joe Dispenza on Aubrey Marcus Podcast (Apple Podcasts)