I want to share a specific story that happened to me recently which is my most vivid encounter with my daemon.
Backstory: My dad passed away when I was 10 years old. He was a commercial airline pilot and was gone for long periods at a time when I was growing up, so our time together was sporadic. On top of that he was an alcoholic, smoked cigarettes, suffered from chronic stress, anxiety, depression, etc. I think he started drinking and smoking when he was 12 years old or something like that. He wasn’t drunk all the time but he would overconsume and binge drink. I knew he loved me and my mom and he cared about our family but it was rough to witness that from such a young age. I remember really taking in how emotional my mom got when she would catch him drinking. About a week after him and my mom separated he had a heart attack and died at 49 years old. After that I took on this idea that I can’t become my father. This idea, along with the usual pressures of a 20 year old kid, led me down a path of addiction and partying. Since listening to my daemon a few other times and making decisions that put me on the path of my purpose I’ve overcome my issues and adopted a healthy lifestyle, but I still had this idea that I can’t let myself become my father.
I learned that our bodies talk to us through pain because they’re unconscious, so the only way to get our attention is to send us messages in the form of chronic discomfort. After discovering this I realized that I had been getting sharp pains in my chest area since a young age, presumably around the age of 10. So I took this as a sign that I needed to look into my heart.
I started digging into the trauma around my father. I put pictures of him around my apartment. I began unpacking the imaginary boxes labeled “Dad” that my brain tucked away to help me survive as a child. My main method was to go in a float tank and relive memories as vividly as possible in order to gain a new perspective. Things seemed to be going well. I felt like my heart was starting to open up and I was developing more gratitude towards him. Despite the progress, however, when I would look at this picture of him on my dresser I saw a forced grin with a soul trapped inside. I saw a tortured person. A person who caused pain in myself and my mother, and abandoned me when I was 10. Someone who couldn’t put their negative tendencies aside and get their shit together for their family.
One night about 6 months ago I decided to have a night of meditation and ceremony around my father with the help of a small amount of psychedelics, specifically LSD. I am familiar with psychedelics and I’ve had very deep experiences countless times. But every time I was with at least one other human, and this time I was going solo. I had been listening to Aubrey Marcus and Kyle Kingsbury’s podcasts for awhile, and I was learning about setting intentions around trips to make it more ceremonial in attempt to heal trauma. I wrote down a question on sticky notes then put the sticky notes around my apartment on the walls and other random places. I can’t remember exactly but I think the question was something very general like, “What are you refusing to see?” After posting the sticky notes around I did a guided visualization / meditation that’s in Aubrey’s podcast episode with Hamilton Souther, which put me in a great spot. One of my favorite things to do is watch movies, so I put on Doctor Strange and fell into that for the next couple hours. After the movie I felt very calm and peaceful. I decided to play music and admire my art, and also think about the question / intention I set. All of the sudden I found myself standing in front of my dad’s picture just as a song that means a lot to me started playing over the speakers (Bob Moses – Enough to Believe). This is where it got intense.
I felt uncomfortable looking at the picture of my dad and tried to walk away, but I heard a voice say “Stand here. Keep staring at the picture.” It felt like I was frozen in that spot.
As I stared it felt like I was actually looking into the picture, almost through it. My dad’s face, still looking like a forced smile, was changing. So were the colors on his shirt. It felt like I was seeing many different versions of my dad throughout his life. It was similar to those selfie time lapse videos people do, where they take a picture of themselves every day for 20 years. His picture took on this aura of light around it, and I began to think about versions of my dad that were positive. The versions that laughed and played, and enjoyed time at home with his family. The versions that were creative and into film and screenwriting. The versions that were protective and overly cautious while their son played outside. The versions that were passionate and pursued their dreams. While I was thinking about these types of things, my dad’s forced smile in the picture slowly changed to a genuine smile. I finally realized that when I was younger, he was just trying his best. He didn’t know how to do anything else. He didn’t have any tools to help him understand his pain. He lived in a state of constant fear and ignored his shadow for so long that it caught up and controlled his reality. I could literally feel my perception of him change. I went from “I can’t become my father” to “I am my father.” I am his happiness, his love, and his joy. I am the pursuer of my dreams and a relentless, passionate human being. I have a heart filled with love that my ego is always trying to protect, just like him. Acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude in that moment gave me deep compassion towards him and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Less than a minute later tears rushed up and a downpour ensued for awhile.
I felt like I received the answer to my question and it was all because that voice told me to keep staring at the picture. Now, the discomfort in my heart is completely gone. No more random sharp pains that make me feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. The cobwebs in my chest have been cleared out and I can breathe easier. Whenever I look at that picture it’s like I can feel the love coming from his smile. It completely changed the way I feel about him. If I’m having a tough day or week I can look at the picture and be reminded that my perception is in my control, always.
This Daemon that we all possess, it knows where to take us. It knows the right choices even in the face of uncomfortability. Our ego thinks it knows what to do, but our heart actually knows. It feels. The more we fall into the trap of “I know what’s right,” the less we can tap into our intuition and “feel what’s right.”
**Please understand that I am not condoning the use of drugs. I do not recommend that everybody should take psychedelics, this is just a story from my own life that I wanted to share**
Link to the Aubrey Marcus podcast episode with Hamilton Souther is below!
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aubrey-marcus-podcast/id521945322?i=1000424283521