Going into 2019 I knew that I wanted to take full responsibility for my life, my behavior, and my choices. I’ve always prided myself on being self aware, but the final months leading up to the end of the year were filled with massive sparks of awareness. For the first time I truly understood that I was not stuck in my ways and that there was so much more to learn about myself. Not only that, but there were people to help me do it.
As soon as the opportunity to heal presented itself I knew that I was being called forward. I learned almost immediately that in order to find my true identity and create the best version of myself, I’d have to forget who I thought I was. My self needed to unlearn in order for my true Self to remind me of my nature, so I hit the ground running. I moved into my first solo apartment, no roommates or humans to help distract me from my mind. I committed to an open-relationship with my girlfriend because I knew that my shadow was filled with things like jealousy, greed, anger, and the fear of abandonment, none of which are welcome at the place I was headed. I contacted a therapist so I could begin to understand the traumas from my past. My plan was to run head on at my fear, find the caves that I’d hidden within myself, and slay the dragons. I really had no idea what I was stepping into. Without realizing it, I lit a torch and set my identity ablaze. My known territory went up in flames and slowly but surely I began to burn down everything I thought I understood.
When you’re that eager to heal yourself it’s easy to fall into a “fix it” mode. My ego had a very tight grip on the steering wheel and I was going into a lot of habits with the expectation of fixing myself, which could only take me so far. I hit many walls of resistance throughout the year and a lot of them showed up when I was getting impatient and trying to control the pace of my progress. I ultimately realized that it’s not about fixing or forcing change, it’s about understanding where to focus my attention so I can move forward inch by inch. Awareness shows me where to shine my light of consciousness so I can observe and then attempt to understand that aspect of myself on a deeper level. From there, if I combine the awareness with the will to grow I can create a natural process of evolution.
The first step towards anything is having a spark of awareness, a moment of realization that electrifies our heart and wakes us up to the present moment. If we decide to take responsibility for our behavior and our choices, we may find ourselves at a fork in the road which brings up the question, do I step out of my known identity so I can move closer to a more authentic version of myself, or do I continue with my current behavioral patterns? Last year I called this spark a “one step back phase” which still seems true, but it’s more like stepping back to zoom out and view the bigger picture rather than actually regressing. In this moment of perspective enhancement I can see the options in front of me – a path filled with uncertainty, failure, uncomfortability, and relentless effort, or a path filled with my known environment, comfortability, and just enough effort to get by. If it’s up to my ego, the decision is clear. Stay comfortable. Stay safe. Stay within our known environment. Every time I make a choice it seems like this situation I just described plays out in my head.
When we go through a process of creating new habits and getting rid of old ones, it’s like shedding our identity. Our ego does everything in its power to stay within the known, so throughout this journey of recreating ourselves we have to accept that it will win some of these battles, especially in the beginning. But as long as we remind ourselves “why” we are doing this we can fight back and practice being disciplined with our choices. As Russell Brand says, “discipline is faith in action.” We must have faith that the choices we make consistently, day after day, will eventually lead us to a more thriving version of ourselves.
However, “fighting back” against my ego was one of the biggest lessons I learned this year. I took on a deeper understanding of this mysterious force that lives inside of me and realized that it’s not this thing that some people have and some people don’t, that causes you to do bad stuff for money, and / or only think of yourself. We all have an ego, it’s what makes us human. It’s the operating system that helps us stay alive. It predicts our present and future moments based off of our past. It is the source of all fear. Somewhere along the timeline of human evolution we became so cemented into our egos that they started running the world. We separated from nature and our path forward became about “I” and “me” more than “us” and “we.” We lost touch with our roots and started following our thoughts rather than our hearts. But all of that being said, I have an incredible amount of faith in the future. There are many types of movements right now, most of which are gaining A LOT of momentum, that help people raise their consciousness and heal themselves. These tools are becoming more readily available for the average person, meaning that almost anyone can learn how to separate from their ego, embrace their inner child, and begin living their life from a place of Love instead of fear. Yep, I said embrace. If the only thing that defeats fear is Love, and fighting back creates more resistance, that means the only way to “defeat” the ego is to embrace it with open arms and create a bond backed by unconditional Love.
Unlearning generational conditioning, healing our traumas, and ultimately bridging the gap between our minds and our hearts will lead to revolutionary strides in every aspect of our individual lives, as well as our current civilization. By collapsing the illusion of separation and embracing our own self we can then learn how to embrace each other. So when we hear things like, “one heals the world by healing themselves,” we don’t want to take it with a grain of salt. When we move forward with baby steps to our own individual caves, that means the world is taking baby steps to the caves that have been collectively built in fear. The world changes one person at a time, and it starts with YOU.
Although these healing and consciousness movements are a great reason to give someone faith in the future, that is not the only reason why I’ve instilled faith in myself, the world, and humanity. Last year I was in a mindset of hoping for things. Hoping for an ideal future, hoping for myself and people to meet my expectations, and hoping for the best possible outcome in any situation. But something I learned is that “hope” has fear attached to it. Hope is wishing, wanting, and desiring something or someone to meet our expectations while simultaneously expecting the worst to happen. It is filled with doubt and worry. It is a story from the ego that perpetuates our conditioning. But having faith… that gives us the ability to create a safety net. Having faith is knowing that everything happens for a reason. It is believing in a larger force at play, an intelligent form of Love that creates and destroys at will (which is completely out of our control). Faith is knowing that things are always as they’re supposed to be… perfect.
If we’re able to adopt a sense of faith, that means we are on our way to surrendering the ego’s need for control. Every thought and action produced by our ego is an attempt to control some aspect of our identity or the world around us. This is no surprise considering that we’ve been tricked into thinking that control exists outside of ourselves, when in reality that is the furthest thing from the truth. Thoughts, emotions, other people, our future, none of these lie within our control. The ONLY control we have is how we respond in the present moment, which is essentially our freedom of choice. Do we choose to react based on emotion, or do we choose to observe, analyze, and then respond? Do we choose to accept and forgive, or do we choose to judge ourselves and others based off of mistakes? Do we choose to believe the fear based narratives from our ego, or do we choose to believe the messages of Love and faith from our heart? Do we choose to take risks, or do we choose to fall into the trap of comfortability?
Choosing to accept that I have no control over my external world or my future has been monumental for dealing with anxiety and stress. If everything happens for a reason, why can’t I see that in foresight rather than waiting until hindsight? If everything happens for me, not to me, then why do I fear situations that I’ve labeled as “bad”? Even when it comes to death? This existential terror that I avoid at all costs is just another thing that is out of my control. And despite being a constant reminder throughout my life so far, my ego was doing everything in its power to protect its identity. It viewed death as an ending, a cease to existence. But now that I am living out of my heart and I understand my true identity, my soul, my divine Self, I am choosing to believe in something different. I am choosing to believe in something that makes me curious and feel a sense of wonder. I am choosing to believe in something that makes me feel like no matter what, things are going to be okay.
Amor fati is Latin for “love of one’s fate,” and this is my theme for 2019. I have reached a point of fully accepting my life, my death, and my self. Don’t get me wrong, this work will never end. It is a constant work in progress and I will practice living every day like it’s my last until the actual day comes. I have faith that the more I practice the better I will get. I believe that I have unlimited potential and I can do anything that I set my heart and my mind to. I believe that this next decade is going to be huge in every way, shape, and form, and as long as I can stay present from day to day, I think I can figure out how to enjoy every step along the way.
Going into 2020 I am facing the most uncertainty I’ve encountered in my life so far, and yet somehow I have the clearest vision of my path forward. The same torch that set my past environment on fire is now lighting my way through the darkness, and the flame is only going to get bigger. I am doing everything I can to live life for ME first, and coincidentally it feels like everything else is falling into place.
I have so much gratitude for anyone who takes time out of their day to read my ramblings, I Love you. Thank you.